**Imprisoned in the Fat Body**
I started my weight loss journey on June 5th, 2013. I started at 238.0 pounds as of 10/15/13 I weigh 200.6 pounds. This 38 pound lost has been amazing for me. I feel better I walk, run and go up the stairs without my lungs falling out of my chest. Overall I’m doing great, or I so I thought. As I have lost all of this weight I had a much different thought of what the “skinny” me would look like or feel like. I have lost the weight I see it in my clothes, my face, my feet since most shoes are big on me now, my fingers and my body.
This is great, but yet I still “feel fat”, I look in the mirror and don’t fully like what I see or the person looking back at me. I still feel like a big girl. I don’t know why or how to explain it, it’s just an awkward feeling. I went shopping for smaller clothes and even though I did not walk over to the plus size department like I used to I still found myself looking at the x-large clothing, the size 16/18 or the clothes with stretchy material. As I try new clothes on I’m amazed that I fit into a medium or pants are a size 12-14 to me this is amazing but also scary. What if tomorrow I’m fat again? How will I look once I lose the last 15 I want to loose and how will I feel? And most of all what’s up with this chunky belly why am I losing weight on my ankles, feet and hands.
I will take a flat stomach over skinny fingers any day. I feel like a prisoner in my body, not because of the weight like I used to but with the thoughts of my own insecurities and the pictures of what I thought losing 38 pounds would be like. The pictures of this wonderful, thin, guitar shaped body. This is nothing at all what I see in the mirror; then again I was not bored with a guitar shaped body, lol. The point of this article is to state that as women we see these images of what our society considers, beautiful, sexy, thin, slender or the wow factor.
And in reality this is not who or what we really are, I would like to wake up tomorrow and have Kim Kardashian, Halle Berry, Jennifer Lopez or Jillian Michaels body, but those are their bodies not mine, and I have many qualities that they would die to have if they met me. I am a beautiful woman, mom, wife, person, fashionista, coupon queen, Christian woman with or without the weight. My inner beauty radiates on the outside and when people that never looked at me now speak to me and tell me how great I look, how wonderful I look now that I have lost this weight, I’m thankful for the positive and encouraging words.
But they quickly forget that I was just as beautiful and wonderful before the weight loss it’s the same wonderful filling just with a different outer smaller package.